The Letter F RSS

i am a woman in her mid-twenties. most of the time. then again, sometimes i am not.

if some would label me, let it be said that i see the world as a mosaic-- because i am one. beyond that, label me how you like.

the biggest challenge has been the decision to accept help. to admit weakness. to take medication.

this is the aftermath of that decision and the support one boi is to it. all of it poured through the kaleidescope that is my mind, and filtered down to one lesson a day, and one letter: F.

Archive

Jun
21st
Sun
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Today’s Lesson|brought to you by the letter F and the word Feral| i hit you. not because i wanted to—but because i wanted to. with the kind of fierce desire that springs from no place at all. it is something i vaguely remember as having happened to me. i think i understand now, how a dog can turn and attack its master. i think i see now, how it is, to be crouching, feral, covered in fur and fangs- nursing the need to kill. i think i know how it is, to be looking into the eyes of the person who has cared for you. to know that this is the hand that has fed you. cradled you. loved you. to see that compassion in their face. to understand that without this person, you would be homeless. exposed to terrors you can’t imagine. most of your own making. i think i see now, how it is, to be looking into the eyes of the person who has cared for you- and to bite. this is what it is to be a dog. you are an animal. you were born with teeth, and muscles in your jaw built for doing damage- for inflicting pain. you were born to be part of a pack, to race among the wilds of the world and yourself. you were never meant to be tamed. to share the company of civilized people. you are a dog. in the end, i am no better than an animal. i am a dog. i am instinct and the need to inflict. loving me must be a most dangerous thing. 6|18|09Fluoxetine- 0mg

Today’s Lesson
|brought to you by the letter F and the word Feral|

i hit you. not because i wanted to—but because i wanted to. with the kind of fierce desire that springs from no place at all. it is something i vaguely remember as having happened to me.

i think i understand now, how a dog can turn and attack its master. i think i see now, how it is, to be crouching, feral, covered in fur and fangs- nursing the need to kill. i think i know how it is, to be looking into the eyes of the person who has cared for you. to know that this is the hand that has fed you. cradled you. loved you. to see that compassion in their face. to understand that without this person, you would be homeless. exposed to terrors you can’t imagine. most of your own making. i think i see now, how it is, to be looking into the eyes of the person who has cared for you- and to bite. 

this is what it is to be a dog. you are an animal. you were born with teeth, and muscles in your jaw built for doing damage- for inflicting pain. you were born to be part of a pack, to race among the wilds of the world and yourself. you were never meant to be tamed. to share the company of civilized people. you are a dog.

in the end, i am no better than an animal. i am a dog. i am instinct and the need to inflict.

loving me must be a most dangerous thing.

6|18|09
Fluoxetine- 0mg

May
27th
Wed
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Today’s Lesson|brought to you by the letter F and the word Faith| i needed to be rocked. there was uncertainty in the room. even when his arms came around me. “want to watch a movie?” i shrugged. “want me to read to you?” again, i shrugged. “what can i do to help?” my only answer -the only answer- a shrug. how absurd to not have an answer. but sooner or later everything becomes i don’t know. i seem to remember before the medication, i knew everything. something made it out of my mouth. he said, “you’re not crazy. even when you get like this. it’s no more than I can deal with- i’m a taurus remember?” i would laugh if i remembered how. Faith seems a religious concept, living in the high musty ceilings of sanctuaries and temples. but he was rocking me- and now, as always, i’m not so sure. “i love you,” he said.“which one?” i asked.“all of you” 5|12|09fluoxetine 20mg

Today’s Lesson
|brought to you by the letter F and the word Faith|

i needed to be rocked. there was uncertainty in the room. even when his arms came around me.

“want to watch a movie?” i shrugged. “want me to read to you?” again, i shrugged. “what can i do to help?” my only answer -the only answer- a shrug.

how absurd to not have an answer. but sooner or later everything becomes i don’t know. i seem to remember before the medication, i knew everything.

something made it out of my mouth. he said, “you’re not crazy. even when you get like this. it’s no more than I can deal with- i’m a taurus remember?” i would laugh if i remembered how.

Faith seems a religious concept, living in the high musty ceilings of sanctuaries and temples. but he was rocking me- and now, as always, i’m not so sure.

“i love you,” he said.
“which one?” i asked.
“all of you”

5|12|09
fluoxetine 20mg

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Today’s Lesson|Brought to you by the letter F and the word Future| i watched you. arms outstretched, grasping. grasping for something so fragile and fleeting i could see the fear that you might not catch it at all. but you reached out just the same. and when your hands closed around that newness, that wonder, i knew. you are my home. you are the face i will never grow tired of. you are the song i will never stop singing. you are the one who will reach for me. and find me reaching back. for a woman as -fragile.frail.fleeting- as the mystery you sought, it is rare to find the future so clearly in focus. but here it is, so sharp in detail i feel cut. the Future. 5|27|2009fluoxetine 20mg

Today’s Lesson
|Brought to you by the letter F and the word Future|

i watched you. arms outstretched, grasping. grasping for something so fragile and fleeting i could see the fear that you might not catch it at all. but you reached out just the same. and when your hands closed around that newness, that wonder, i knew. you are my home. you are the face i will never grow tired of. you are the song i will never stop singing. you are the one who will reach for me. and find me reaching back.

for a woman as -fragile.frail.fleeting- as the mystery you sought, it is rare to find the future so clearly in focus. but here it is, so sharp in detail i feel cut. the Future.

5|27|2009
fluoxetine 20mg